Gratitude, Prayer and "Going Easy"

It’s amazing how God will send you the message you need when you need it.

I injured my back at work 2 weeks ago today and haven’t been back since. I had a follow up appointment with the Doctor yesterday and as I suspected an immediate return to work isn’t in the cards yet.

I learned yesterday that the workers comp claim will take up to 2 more weeks to be processed. I have no short or long term disability insurance so now it’ll be a month maybe longer from the original date of my injury before I’ll see a dime from workers compensation. And when I do get some payment it’ll only be 66% or 2/3rds of my past wages from last year. It’s been many years since I’ve had to file a comp claim. I should have known the wheels turn very slowly in the medical and government bureaucracies and that a speedy payment of a claim was unrealistic.

Friends and family that know me know that I don’t miss work unless I’m very sick, hurt badly or dead. I’m extremely frustrated, upset and mad at myself for being hurt. I thought about going back to work today even though I’m not physically ready to yet but it’s impossible.

I’ve taken great pride in being the kind of person who can produce an above average effort at work. Even at 53 years old, I can still work circles around men that are half my age. Over the years the hard work, the sports I played in my younger days and the running addition I once had has taken its toll on my body. I'm not the strong young stud I use to be.

My ego has had a very difficult time trying to accept that I’m not the man I once was and that no matter what I believe I’m still capable in my mind of achieving mentally, translating it physically isn’t as easily done as it once was. 

Part of it is the aging process and part of it is just giving myself permission to take it easy and not be such a hard driven perfectionist. The other part is internalizing that ultimately I don’t have to judge or define how good of a man I am by the amount of work I produce. This is currently the life study God has challenged me to learn and it hasn’t been easy. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic my learning curve has been even slower.

This morning I woke up feeling blue and a little depressed about my situation. I made some coffee and checked my email and read the daily message I get from the Hazelden website. BAM! Then and there God send me the message I’ve needed to hear. It reminded me again that as a believer in a Higher Power, that prayer and by practicing gratitude each day that eventually in God’s time not mine, that the answer I seek to heal my mind and my body will be revealed. If I seek God's help and love myself enough to ask for it he's always been right on time with a healing message.

Here’s the reading below from the book “The Magic of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie.     

Going Easy

Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace.

Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace. Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life.

Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.

Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.

Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is.

Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish each moment.

Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.